Lily Sloane

amongst thieves of the heart and the whores of the ego
Lily is SUCH TROUBLE.

kiss everyone's ailments, see them rise up, exalt and illuminate
Lily is a survivor-type. This is the central hinge on which she swings, it has been as long as she can remember, and it's not really an overreaction to the circumstances that shaped her. It's hardly a unique trait, even if Lily has taken it several degrees past what most people ever will, and in her case it's come with precocious maturity that lets her temper her more extreme tendencies in that regard. She knows better than to attack everyone who looks like they even might be threatening, that constant hostility can be as bad as too much naivety, and she mostly succeeds at walking the line between rational assessment and trauma-based aversion. It's still a struggle to recognize which fights she can afford to lose or compromise on, since like many teenagers with her background all problems exist at the same level of seriousness in her mind, but she's making progress.

When she's actually dealing with people as themselves and not as abstract factors (which is most of the time; she has a decent amount of empathy), Lily tends to be quietly wry, self-deprecating, mildly morbid, frequently, uh, ...vulgar, and outwardly-oriented. She'd much rather talk about other people than herself, as a semi-classic introvert - there's also the fact that her experiences tend to be outside the norm, and frequently make conversation awkward. She can be off-putting anyway, but she's not that motivated by achieving popularity; she prefers to have a small group of people she likes around her, although that's been an unattainable luxury for years. She 'moms' at people a lot, because she does tend to feel older and more responsible than most of her peers. When she's hurt verbally (which is more often than she'll admit; she's not as hard to get to as she wants to be) she reacts very defensively, usually trying to shut the conversation down to avoid dealing with it again.

Lily isn't all reserve and instinct, though: she knows how to be silly and to occasionally let her hair down around people she trusts, and she has a trolling streak a mile wide that rarely turns actively vicious. Playing with her appearance through comestics and dressing up is one of her few personal indulgences, and she has a pretty decent sense of taste in the department, even when it skews to 'ALL MONOCHROME, ALL SKIN-TIGHT'. She's very physically affectionate once she's confident it won't be exploited, which goes hand in hand with a love for physical activity, especially dance. Lily likes her body, despite the damage she sometimes does to it, and she considers it - along with her mind - two of her most inexhaustible allies. She's otherwise more inclined to hard sciences than the arts and her decent grades are a result of meticulous effort instead of innate brightness--although that's hard to measure when she's never really been asked to cultivate scholastic skills before, and she does have a developing knack for math and chemistry. Her intelligence is mostly logical-mathematical, bodily-kinesthetic, and intrapersonal, and so she learns best when working on projects alone.

Of...course, if this was all there was to her she would actually be forty, not a seventeen-year-old delinquent. Lily's self-destructiveness is covert, for the most part, and the majority of it never even leaves her mind--she talks herself down on a regular basis, and she usually believes she's not very smart, likeable, or basically decent. She self-harms fairly frequently, and as a consequence her arms and (to a lesser extent) her inner thighs are noticeably scarred when they're not noticeably injured; she prefers cutting and small burns, and has cut to the point of needing stitches before. It's a response to feeling like circumstances are out of control - Lily is, shockingly, something of a control freak. She also tends to be privately judgmental of people, and when she is provoked to the point of reacting it's almost always an overreaction that's either violent or cruel, depending on the target.

Lily knows she has problems, and she wants to fix them--until she does, her life is always going to consist of equal parts exhaustion and pain to every portion of positive things, and that's no way to live. Her goal is to achieve financial stability and a good home life for herself and her daughter (and John, if he was interested); the fact that QCI interfered with what she already had established is a huge part of her antipathy towards the school, and something only time might be able to help.

humanity is a deer in the headlights, the road is covered in blood
Lily's father walked out on her mother Bridget when she was seven months pregnant, leaving the barely nineteen-year-old to her own devices, so it's probably not shocking that her birth wasn't heralded as a joyous event. Bridget chose to keep Lily at least partly with the hope her father would return, and thus found herself a single mother in Los Angeles with few practical skills and her nearest family all the way back in Nebraska and just as poor as she was. Lily grew up as her mother moved them from one apartment to another, primarily within East L.A., chasing what work she could find while struggling to provide for Lily's upbringing, dealing with what she thought of as lingering postpartum depression, and going through a series of less than stellar boyfriends.

This isn't an environment that instills a great sense of security in a child, and Lily also had to shoulder much of her own care and the household work as soon as she was capable of doing so--which sometimes meant being an eight-year-old taking the bus for an hour both ways to go grocery shopping. As a consequence of Bridget's often irregular and long hours, Lily never had many opportunities to bond with her mother, but they both still thought of themselves as a cohesive unit (even if not a parent and child) until Lily was ten, and her mother started dating a man named Andrew who seemed like the answer to all of their problems. This coincided with the beginnings of Bridget's worst bout of depression yet. Andrew let them move into his bungalow (paid for by his fairly comfortable accounting job) in a decent neighborhood when Bridget was fired for missing work, and quickly overcame Lily's initial suspicion bordering on hostility--he was patient, quietly funny, genuinely interested in her, and never pushed her boundaries. Lily had never really consciously looked for a father figure before, but Andrew fit the niche perfectly, and as Bridget became more withdrawn and moody she came to see him as a the 'good' parent, the one she could trust to stay constant.

Andrew may not have thought of what he was doing as grooming Lily, but that is ultimately irrelevant; after one particularly ugly incident in a building series of Bridget's outbursts of manic rage, his relationship with Lily turned abusive. At first, Lily tried to see him as her boyfriend, her real emotional connection to him demanding she do so; she also felt sorry for him when he apologized, and afraid of what her mother would do if she found out, since he implied it'd end with both of them in prison. Lily spent the next two years essentially isolated from everyone else. She went to school, she attended her dance lessons, she even had a few 'friends', but at home her mother now spent most of her time in bed, and at home was where Andrew preferred she be. Unlike many stereotypes, he was never physically aggressive with her, and he always stayed nice, complicating Lily's reaction immensely. She withdrew in on herself, at first, and then began injuring herself when she was eleven (scratching her arms with her nails, banging her head into walls), but she also became mildly obsessed with gaining and keeping Andrew's approval and 'love'.

She was devastated when her mother, after struggling out of her fugue, abruptly moved both of them out of the house one day. Lily tried to run away repeatedly, leading Bridget to start locking Lily up when Bridget wasn't at home, first into the bathroom of the motels they stayed in, and then her room in their new apartment. Lily eventually stopped trying to leave when her mother took her by Andrew's house to show her that he'd moved away; instead, she entered school in the fall and attached herself to the edges of the so-called 'bad crowd'. She didn't even quite fit in there, which is how she stayed unaffliated with any gangs or particular clusters of friends--she was the quiet, flat-chested girl who drank more than she could handle and would, reportedly, do anything with anyone.

By the time she was thirteen most of the boys in her school around her age (and a disturbing number of those older) would claim to have at least felt her up a little, and it became something of a running joke. Lily kept on in the way she had, while her mother mostly ignored her or put perfunctory ground rules down, as her energy levels dictated. Then Lily met Yvonne.

It'd be cliche to say 'everything changed', because it didn't, but Lily's first real relationship certainly gave her something new to cling to. Yvonne insisted they be a secret, since she was still closeted from her strictly Catholic family, but it was easy to pretend they were only close friends long after they grew into more than that. Yvonne was bright, artistic, and amazingly self-controlled for a fourteen-year-old, and Lily never understood what she saw in her; she never wanted to question it. Lily confessed she was in love only two weeks after they started being more than friends from dance class, and Yvonne returned the sentiment--it was intense, heady, and (at least for Lily) consuming. They were together a grand total of five months before Yvonne decided it was over, which she announced to Lily over the phone before telling her to stop going to dance.

Lily didn't take it well. She returned to the downward spiral she'd been on with a new angry, wounded edge, like Yvonne was the scab being torn off the first cut, a metaphor apt since it came at the time Lily began employing sharp objects on her arms. She starting drinking so much she'd black out and aggressively pursuing boys, thus earning the new reputation of 'homewrecker' when she was at the center of two breakups. She got in fights, she got suspended, and she finally wound up fourteen and semi-dating a twenty-year-old named Jaime Rivera. Jaime wasn't very smart, willing to be lied to about her age, and quiet enough that Lily considered him almost safe, but that was before he got her pregnant - they were never particularly safe in that area, which had been his preference. It was luck that these early months coincided with Lily avoiding alcohol because of an incident at one particular party, and she was due for her fifteenth birthday a month after she took a pregnancy test and confirmed what she was already sure of.

When she told her mother she was keeping her baby, Bridget kicked her out for a month she spent on the couches of a few of her tentative friends, but eventually relented and let her come home on the condition she be responsible for her child. Lily agreed, and set about coming up with a plan that would let her raise her daughter the best way possible. Jaime left the picture soon after she got in touch with him to tell him, after threatening to but not following through on hitting her in the stomach, which let her know that she was in this on her own. She even called her own taxi when she went into labor, and gave birth to Melissa Remedios Sloane twenty hours later, early on the morning of November 4, 2008.

Being pregnant had put 11th grade out of the picture for her that year, so Lily had until the next fall to adjust to raising her daughter and working at the same time. Adding school in September almost put her back at square one again, and when she cut back work hours their budget was cut right to the bone. In order to get to work in the first place Lily had to take a bus forty-five minutes there immediately after she finished school, most days, and then she'd return late in the evening to take over childcare from her night-shift bound mother or a babysitter; in this time she'd have to do whatever homework she had left over from what she could do on the bus, try to spend quality time with her daughter, and take care of household chores. Her variable days off were spent trying to stretch her money as far as it'd go, which required more time spent on buses to reach cheaper food or baby supplies, applying for aid wherever possible, and otherwise working just as hard. However, Lily knew she was incredibly lucky: her job was fairly secure, had decent tips, wasn't illegal, and paid above minimum wage, which made all problems in the workplace bearable and the bus ride a thing to look forward too.

Before going back to school, in early July, 2009, Lily took a night off and met a boy named John Constantine at someone else's house party. Proving how much she'd learned, she slept with him right away in the nearest locking room, but something about him led her to impulsively scribble her phone number down (on his shirt, no less) for him. She was truly surprised when he called her back, and this had to be at least half of why she decided to see him again.

The relationship they settled into was marked on both sides by carefulness, maturity, and deep affection, which they covered constantly with quips and not communicating about the most difficult potential issues because there was nothing they could do about them: no words Lily could say would erase the fact that John's life as a homeless teenager was horrifyingly dangerous and might mean any day that he'd never come back to her. It was something she could only live with by trying not to live with it, and in turn she avoided burdening John with problems that seemed relatively minor in comparison--she wouldn't complain about work to someone who couldn't find employment, or problems at school with someone who could no longer attend. She told herself if anything happened that she'd retain enough distance to survive it, this time, and promptly proved herself a liar when he disappeared off the streets and she mounted a one-girl search effort.

She did find him eventually, when they were both collected by a Quadrinity recon team who were technically not supposed to be finding new students but swept them up regardless to keep them out of the hands of the competition. Lily had had no inkling her nightmares of death were precognitive, and she didn't really believe it concretely until she anticipated the death of another passenger on the airplane they took to Chicago.

Adjusting to QCI was difficult for Lily - she was an initial discipline problem, but that has mostly straightened out since she and faculty agreed she'd be allowed visits with her daughter once she managed to earn two merits. She has spent as much time with John as their respective detentions and schedules allow, and she's slowly beginning to appreciate the chance to stop up gaps in her education. (This hasn't stopped her from planning escapes, none of which have much potential.)

free yourself with a dagger from above
in-game history

a crossbow of faith
Lily's ability is death precognition. Lily dreams about individual deaths every time she dreams at all; these dreams always interrupt her sleep, and the goal of her training is first to help her control either their frequency or the extent they disturb her sleep rhythms. Until then, she naps fitfully and takes a mild sedative four nights a week. These dreams are usually limited in the information they convey, because they're always in the first person, so Lily doesn't even know if they're regularly accurate--her range seems to be limited to the continent and within the next fifty or so years, but even that's not definite, and so far her dreams haven't actually been useful in preventing any deaths or disasters.

gave up on love for a medal malevolent

 * John Constantine is Lily's boyfriend, who is time and again the only reason she doesn't go off the deep end. This only doesn't sound like much if you don't know either of them. She loves him with occasionally intimidating single-target devotion, and would do or say anything he needed her to--whether he knows he needs it or not. There is a significant and mutual protectiveness in their relationship, which comes from...the same place they do, that being a often terrifying and violent place, wherein trust is a invaluable and guarded commodity.
 * Lear Shapiro is Lily's partner on the dick police. He's the good cop, and Lily pretty much loves him to little, feathery pieces--they have similar experiences, although not identical, and Lily feels comfortable around him, which is rare with anyone.
 * Ryan Letowski is the other guy friend of Lily's, who once had a slightly awkward crush on her which is not...totally dissolved, except he still wants to see her breasts. OH TEENAGERS. She's more than slightly protective of him, in all his recovering addict glory.
 * Alec McDowell got his name written in grafitti after he hit Ryan; Lily is nooot the biggest fan, let me put it like that.
 * Blake Angler used to make Lily extremely uncomfortable, but now they're pretty much all right, as far as she knows.

you fill yourself with the fire of innocence

 * Clara Ford
 * Max Guevara
 * Kindle Veda
 * Eloise Burton

a karmic stain will bring back through the gates again
Tegan and Sara ✿ More For Me i used to be free spirited, now i'm just free of sleep, i got a burning passion in my throat, i got a burning passion inside me, i got a job that wastes my time and gift, i got a life that needs a serious lift; all the things i want go.

Jack Off Jill ✿ Strawberry Gashes ''hex me told her i dreamt of a devil that knew her pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over. watch me fault her, you're living like a disaster. she said "kill me faster", with strawberry gashes all over.''

The Pretty Reckless ✿ Zombie ''to all of you who've wronged me: i am, i am a zombie. again, again you want me to fall on my head. i am, i am, i am a zombie. how low, how low, how low will you push me to go, to go, to go, before i lie, lie down dead?''

A Perfect Circle ✿ Rose i am, i will, so no longer will i lay down play dead, play your doe in the headlights locked down and terrified, your deer in the headlights shot down and horrified when push comes to pull comes to shove.

Iron & Wine ✿ Wolves (Song of the Shepherd's Dog) wolves at the end of the bed and a postcard hidden in her winter clothes, she'll weep in the back of a truck to the traitors only trying to find her bullet hole.

Hole ✿ Asking For It ''was she asking for it, was she asking nice? if she was asking for it, did she ask you twice? if you live through this with me, i swear that i would die for you.''

Suzanne Vega ✿ Bad Wisdom ''mother i'm cut at the root like a weed 'cause there's no one to hear my small story, just like a woman who walks in the street i will pay for my life with my body. what price to pay for bad wisdom.''

Heather Nova ✿ Island ''you know that dream when your feet won't move, you want to come but your body won't let you. he steals it from me. he steals it from me. it shines like sweat, like jewels, like something that has died too soon.''

Fiona Apple ✿ Sleep To Dream ''i got my feet on the ground and i don't go to sleep to dream, you got your head in the clouds and you're not at all what you seem. this mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways, so don't forget what i told you, don't come around, i got my own hell to raise.''

Alanis Morrisette ✿ You Oughta Know the joke that you laid in that bed that was me and i'm not gonna fade as soon as you close your eyes, and you know it, and every time i scratch my nails down someone else's back i hope you feel it.

Hole ✿ Awful ''he's drunk, he tastes like candy, he's so beautiful, he's so deep like dirty water, god, he's awful. you're lost, oh, where's your daddy? it's so awful.''

Sleater-Kinney ✿ All Hands On The Bad One you can't get to heaven with a three chord song, they called you a sinner, but the people want to sing along.

Them Crooked Vultures ✿ No One Loves Me & Neither Do I ''i know how to be lost in lust, not because you should, but because you must. it burns white hot, and so clouds the mind, this lightning strike isn't always kind, so use me up, use me up.''

Bikini Kill ✿ I Like Fucking ''hey! do you believe there's anything beyond troll guy reality? i do, i do, i do. it gets so hard just to be okay, sometimes being happy baby is what i'm most afraid of. baby, you know, it gets so hard for me to fight.''

Evans Blue ✿ The Tease ''hold your hands into the sky, pray for mercy, instead of time. you are the massacre, the masochist, the tease and you're captivating; standing in front of me is the reason, i'm still wondering why everyone we loved has broke away.''

Metric ✿ Combat Baby ''we used to leave the blue lights on and there was a beat, ever since you have been gone it's all caffeine-free faux punk fatigues. said it all before, they try to kick it, their feet fall asleep, get no harm done no, none of them want to fight me.''

RHCP ✿ Dani California ''she's a runner, rebel and a stunner, coming every way saying baby whatcha gonna, looking down the barrel of a hot metal forty-five, just another way to survive. she's a lover baby and a fighter, should have seen her coming when it got a little brighter.''

Fiona Apple ✿ Get Him Back ''but the last one i had who was getting my hopes up, i might've been a little fast to dismiss. i think he let me down when he didn't disappoint me, he didn't always guess right but he usually got my gist. so wait til i get him back, i'm gonna bring him home and i'll watch him unpack.''

Le Tigre ✿ After Dark ''i don't want someone telling me "no-oh-oh you're out of time", i don't mind being debated as long as you’re with me tonight. i'm not gonna give up easy, we were made to cross the line. i don't want the things that we do, i don't want to let them die. call me, call me after dark.''

The Pretty Reckless ✿ Heart ''never wanted to feel, never wanted to steal my heart. never wanted to know, never wanted to show i'm weak. i'm falling all over myself trying to be someone else, i wish you would dare to walk me home so i wouldn't have to feel alone.''

Tegan and Sara ✿ Fix You Up ''well, there's not a lot for you to give if you're giving in, and there's not a lot for you to feel if you're not feeling it. you bring it up and bring it in and we'll get you fixed up in no time.''

The Eels ✿ Beautiful Freak ''you're such a beautiful freak, i wish there more just like you. you're not like all of the others and that is why i love you, beautiful freak. that is why i love you.''

Say Anything ✿ A Walk Through Hell ''i'd walk through hell for you, let it burn right through my shoes, these soles are useless without you. through hell for you, let the torturing ensue, my soul is useless without you.''

Aimee Mann ✿ Save Me ''you look like a perfect fit for a girl in need of a tourniquet, but can you save me? come on and save me, if you could save me, from the ranks of the freaks who suspect they could never love anyone.''

The Distillers ✿ Hungry Eyes ''holy eyes, i never knew, i know, i know--don't go. hold onto the memory, it's all you've got, i know you'll be there to soak up blood lost, blood lost, blood lost.''

Florence + The Machine ✿ My Boy Builds Coffins ''my boy builds coffins and i think it's a shame, that when each ones been made, he can't see it again. he crafts every one with love and with care, then it's thrown in the ground, it just isn't fair.''

Hole ✿ Malibu ''oh baby, drive away to malibu, get well soon, please don't go any higher, how are you so burnt when you're barely on fire? cry to the angels, i'm gonna rescue you, i'm gonna set you free.''

and how i wonder what will become of us
DO YOU THINK I MAKE MONEY FROM THIS the answer is no.